Today is a day just like any other…

December 4th, 2015

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Today is a day just like any other…except it isn’t. Today is the day forever seared into the very depths of my soul. The day I last held my baby girl as she gasped for breath in my arms. She had fought her battle; one that was not to be won here on earth. In her ridiculously short life, my daughter had already experienced more pain and suffering than most experience in a lifetime….and so have I. I don’t think she was in pain in those final moments (that was my second greatest wish anyway) but she sure did hang on. I told her repeatedly that it was ok to go. That I would see her again in Heaven and that Daddy and I would be alright. But for whatever reason, “it” took some time. I’ll spare you the final details (although I know there are a few of you who were by my side and will remember the details all too well).

THE DAY. TODAY.  It’s been 8 years. Wait! What? That can’t be right. But it is. It’s been 8 years. Seems like a lifetime ago, but feels like yesterday. Some would say that you should be “over it” by now. (No really. “They” say it.) But I’m here to tell you that the death of your child is something that you will never, ever “get over”. Understand it? Not in this lifetime. Accept it? I guess. Wait, do I have another choice? No? Are you sure? Ok. Then, I have to accept it and move on. That’s the (please pardon my French here) bitch right there. The “moving on”. You do because you have to…not because you want to. And then, moment by moment, you just keep moving further and further from THE DAY. But your heart and soul is still stuck. Stuck in that moment in time when your baby took their final breath. And nothing. is. ever. the same again.

BUT…THE DAY. TODAY is the day that my brilliant, handsome 14 year old son will walk on his own two healthy legs into an amazing school where he is privileged to receive an excellent education. TODAY is the day that my sweet, gregarious 12 year old will laugh with his friends in one of the greatest countries on Earth. TODAY is the day that my sassy, adorable 6 year old will do cartwheels all the way home from Kindergarten.  It may be THE DAY and as much as that hurts, TODAY still offers so many wonderful blessings and for that…TODAY, I can only be grateful.

I love you forever Sweet Pea!

19 thoughts on “Today is a day just like any other…

  1. Amber, a day that will forever be emblazoned in my heart. I wake up often with the nightmare seeming fresh and yet… And yet God is so good and loves us so. Today. And every day. I am awed and amazed every day at how you and Tony have taken this tragedy and turned it into so many miracles for others. I love that what you do with AFF brings glory to God every day. You allow His Spirit to serve through you. You, my friend, are a rock star and I love you so very much.

    1. Thank you Tamara. Thank you for being there then, and for being here now. The same could be said of you…so I guess we should start a band! 😉

      1. Thank you for your kind words Tina. She was sweet! She never got the opportunity to do anything “bad” so she will remain innocent forever. 😉

  2. Amber, you and your family are a blessing. I can’t comprehend even an inkling of the grief that you live with, and yet you are able to share joy with your family. That you have honored Addi with such determination, and to benefit other children and their families with the grace that you have is beyond admirable and inspiring. You have touched more lives than can be accounted for. Addi’s Faith Foundation. Just typing those words gives me goosebumps. You have touched my life through your heart. What a mighty woman you are. Special prayers for you today and every day. ❤️

    1. Wow! That is really nice. And you saying that about goosebumps gave me goosebumps! I’m really no different from anyone else, but thank you for making me feel loved and special. It warms my heart.

  3. I think you explained “today” and your journey perfectly-as always. I can’t believe anyone would think you should be over it, EVER. It’s funny you put (yes they do), because as I was reading that I was thinking…really!? I hope some day children (and their mothers) won’t have to go through such things. You have taken your pain and turned it into something positive. You are changing lives. You are the light when all that can be seen is darkness. Today is a good day, albeit bittersweet.
    Rest in peace sweet angel Addi
    Love you

    1. Thank you Holly and I hope for that too. Someday….
      Yes, today, and every day, is good as I truly have so very much to be grateful for. Bittersweet is a word that also applies to every day. Often, the sweeter it is, the more bitter is becomes as well. But that’s a whole other topic. Guess I found my next blog topic. lol.
      Love you too!

  4. Don’t know how anyone could say that you should be over it???!!! I don’t think you EVER get over it, and I know I cannot fully understand the depth of your pain. But I KNOW on a different level, of that day being etched in your mind forever! Amber, how I love you and your beautiful family, and admire you so much! And it’s always OK to tell me that it sucks, and that it hurts so very much!!!

    1. We share that sad day, so big hug to you as well. Yes, there are different levels of loss, but they all hurt. Thanks Malinn for always making me feel special.

  5. Amber,Tony and the kids; I know today is bittersweet. Hopefully, her memories will bring you tears of laughter and joy today. MUCH LOVE AND HUGS!

    1. Thanks Debbie. Her memories do make us smile. I only wish I could have made a few more with her. 🙁

  6. You’re words and your heartache bring me to tears but your faith and strength put a huge smile on my face. I “brag” about you all the time because just knowing you makes me feel a little stronger with all my weaknesses. I thank God every day for you and I know there are millions more out there that do as well. Thank you Addi for touching so many hearts in life and in death and thank you God for making Addi’s parents so beautiful inside and out

    1. Thank you for your kind words Dawn. All of my strength comes from God and therefore I am not any stronger than you are. But thanks for being my cheerleader! You always make me smile. 🙂

  7. Amber, unless someone has lost a child, they can not appreciate your pain and therefore I really can’t. I can only tell you I think you are the bravest and most loving mother I know. My heart aches for you that you and Tony had to experience it. I know God has some blessings waiting for you in Heaven.

    1. Thank you Julia. Brave, not really. Loving, YES! I know God has awesome blessing waiting in Heaven and I look forward to it (in due time of course!) I’m also extremely grateful for the blessings He has given me on this side of Heaven as well. Thanks again for your kind words.

  8. I will NEVER forget those last moments! It was unbearable…..unfair…..unbelievable for any parent to ever face. You and Tony are such an inspiration to me and as much as that day was the hardest thing I have ever been through, I am blessed to have been there in her final moments. Thank you for not only “moving on” but choosing to be the light for so many families that are in the dark with their child. Addi must be so proud of what her parents have done for so many other children. Love you

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